Can and should we hold our baby at the hospital?
You're in such shock of what has just happened that you may be afraid of touching or holding your baby after delivery, especially if you haven't experienced death in your life before. It is entirely up to you - you should always do what's most comfortable for you and your husband/partner, and within your religious faith.
You are encouraged to hold your child at this most vulnerable point in your life. Give yourself a chance to see the beautiful child you have created and to say goodbye. Some women and men even partake in bathing or dressing the child as part of their own ritual. Some infants are not in perfect condition and this could be difficult to do. Whatever the circumstance, take some time to love your child and acknowledge his/her existence. Most women who decide not to do this, end up regretting their decision later.
Can and should I take pictures of the baby?
Many hospitals now take pictures for their own records. You and your husband/partner should feel free to take your own photos - they become a real, not imagined, memory of this child you have carried for months and are just now seeing. Ask the hospital for copies of their photos.
How can I memorialize my baby?
Some hospitals offer a "memory box" for you to fill with your own mementos of this child. Or you can collect the items and make your own memory box or scrapbook when you return home. This is a wonderful way for you to remember this beautiful baby who was part of your life and to recognize his/her existence in the world. Items you may want to include are:
- photos
- ultrasound images
- clothing
- toys
- baby blanket
- baby bracelet
- lock of hair
- foot and hand prints
- stuffed animals
- cards and letters from those who have responded to your loss
- poems
- written descriptions of the experience
Other ways to memorialize your baby:
- name a star after him/her -
http://www.starregistry.com - plant a tree in his/her honor in a special place
- create a garden in his/her honor
- add his/her name to your family tree - create a special family tree memento to do this
- donate the baby items in his/her name to a charity
- make a monetary donation in his/her name to a charity
- create a charm bracelet in his/her memory
How do I choose a funeral director?
You've been through this traumatic experience and now you have to decide how to take care of your dead infant. Most hospitals can take care of remains if you want - usually by cremation. But you do have the right to choose what you want to do with your infant.
Is there a funeral director or home that you or your family are familiar with or is close to where you live? Are there family members such as brothers or sisters or parents who can help you and your husband/partner find someone? Maybe the hospital can recommend someone who has dealt with infant deaths?
Make sure your funeral home understands and can advise you on burial choices, burial laws, and cemeteries. Ask what their services cost and entail. Don't be afraid to ask for more time to spend with your child - maybe dressing the baby for burial.
What are my burial options?
Your funeral director will know what the laws are in your state for various burial options. What is the length of time before a body needs to be buried or cremated? Can ashes be scattered? Can you bury your child at home?
Costs vary but the arrangements for an infant should be much less than that of an adult. You may want to consider embalming for burial. Infant caskets are usually available.
What are some memorial service options?
How do I involve my other children in the grieving process?
What are the stages of my grief?
How do I make sense of my faith in light of this tragedy?
Every parent will ask "why me?". What have I done to deserve this? Where is God? Stillbirth is a tragic lost with little explanation. This is an injustice felt like no other loss, because a small baby has died that didn't have a chance to live a life out in the world. Parents mourn for the loss of a future with their child, called "loss of potentiality". How could all this happen?
You are encouraged to seek help from your religious or spiritual leader, whether it is immediately to help with a service or even much later as you heal. You will feel angry, you will feel lost, you will feel confused, and you will have questions. There will be great soul searching. Many times only your clergy or rabbi or spiritual counselor can help you at this very vulnerable time.
Probably the most recommended book for grappling with your faith at the time of great loss is When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner.
http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/0380603926