Print

How do I deal with my deep grief?

What can I do to take care of my body right away?
Your body is very stressed and needs tender loving care right now. You've been through a physical and emotional trauma that few people understand and you are feeling all of the effects.

Love yourself and love your body:

• Take soothing baths and showers.
• Have a massage if you're up to it.
• Have your hair washed and styled at a salon or have a manicure/pedicure- it will make you feel good. Many women neglect their personal appearance after a lost like this. Some times the best way to start healing is to pamper your self.
• Don't exercise right away - take it easy. Straining may cause hemorrhaging in the weeks right after delivery.
• Eat right - fruits and vegetables and all the good things. Fatty junk food may add to your depression and your weight.
• Drink plenty of fluids. Your body needs to be replenished with fluids as it heals.
• Sleep well by avoiding caffeine.

What do I do with my lactating breasts?
Your breasts will engorge soon after delivery - and you will not want them to lactate (produce milk). There are medications available to stop the flow. It also helps to "bind" them with a tight sports bra or something similar. Either way, the hospital or your doctor's office can advise. Avoid stimulating the nipples - wash around them and avoid clothing that will rub them. Ice packs and over-the-counter pain medicine will help relieve the pain and discomfort. This should subside in about 2 weeks.

Some women, as was done more frequently in the past, may want to donate their milk as a "wet nurse" to another child or to a milk bank to help babies who either don't have access to milk and or are unable to accept their mother's.

What do I do about pain in my abdomen or vagina?

There will be a vaginal discharge called lochia for about two weeks after delivery - use a feminine hygiene pad as needed. You may feel cramping and/or slight pains in your abdomen as it heals. It has been stretched, pushed on, and stressed through pregnancy and labor/delivery. Dry heating pads and over the counter pain relievers can help. Sitz baths or short warm baths in a small amount of water also help. In general, it is recommended to take showers at first as to avoid any infections that may occur in a lengthened bath.

What if I am having other physical symptoms?
You may be feeling other symptoms than those expected with your breasts and abdomen. A physical exam is recommended at about 4 months after delivery. But please consult a doctor as soon as possible if you are feeling any of the following . You may be having physiological responses to your lost or more serious physical problems:

• increased heart rate, heart palpitations or heart skips
• great fatigue
• trouble breathing
• pain in chest

How can I talk with someone who has been through the same experience?
Sign up with Evie's Network to connect with another woman who has a similar stillbirth experience.

How do I find a support group or outside help?
There are various people and organizations available for help, but you will probably have to search for them out yourself. If you need professional help or a group support, approach the following:

• hospital grief counselor or social worker
• local mental health clinic
• your clergy or religious advisor
• local crisis center
• Compasionate Friends - national organization for parents experiencing the death of a child. Contact for local chapter: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
• Grief counselor directory -
  http://www.aihcp.org/aagc.htm

What can I do to help my husband?
Husbands and partners are many times forgotten in the healing process after a stillbirth. Men tend to experience pain more physically by pulling it inside themselves and then exerting it through action. They may focus more on external goals or tasks by going out and getting things done - when you want to stay home and cry. Outwardly expressed anger is normal. They may even flee the situation. Men also tend to grieve more privately and not publicly - women may find it easy to talk with another woman about the situation while men will hold it in.

Just because he's not showing much emotion, don't assume he's not feeling it inside. Give him space to grieve his own way. He helped to create this beautiful child of yours but he didn't have the unique physical attachment you had or all of the other physical effects that came with pregnancy and labor and delivery. So his experience is different. Don't be hurt if he wants to go out and do something "normal" when you think he should be home mourning - he needs to release his feelings his way.

What are the warning signs my marriage/relationship may be stressed from the loss - what can we do?
Losing a child impacts a marriage greatly. You have created a beautiful child together that is now gone. This loss can shake the foundation of even the most solid of marriages or partnerships of those couples that thought they could get through anything. This loss will bring in doubts about everything - your body, your faith, your relationship with your husband/partner. Who are we as a pair if the most natural thing we can do as humans has not worked out? Is our love based on procreating or our connection as two individuals or both? What is our place in the world as the parents of a dead child?

• Remember who you were as a couple before this happened - don't lose sight of the good times. Find the
  connection that brought you together in the first place.
• Give yourself freedom to move around and express your individual grief within the marriage/partnership.
• Expect tough times and prepare for change - you will not be the same exact people ever again. But you
  can be a strengthened pair.
• Avoid blaming.

SEEK HELP if you are having trouble.

• If one or both of you feel you are buckling under the weight of the loss.
• If you feel the problems before the lost have now worsen.
• If you are fighting more - if there are screaming fights.
• If there is any physical abuse.
  

What do I say to my living children?

How do I get the word out to our community about our loss?
You are feeling devastated at this point and will probably not want to talk with anyone. But everyone knew you were pregnant. Don't feel you have to be the one to get the word out or put that burden on your husband/partner. Do what's most comfortable for you.

• Have a friend or family member contact people for you.
• Contact a small number of close friends and have them contact more - like a chain.
• Send out an e-mail. Don't worry if this seems impersonal - do what feels most comfortable for you, not what's
  best for others.
• Put a death notice in the paper.

How do I talk with people about what I have been through?
Many people have not experienced death or loss or grief yet in their lives, so they will have little idea of what you have been through. Pregnancy in general can be a queasy subject for men or women who have not experienced it. So most people will not know how to react to you and your loss. They have no idea what you have been through and many times don't realize the attachment and seriousness of the situation since no one saw the baby. They will not know what to say, and in fact many will not acknowledge it or discuss it, quickly changing the subject. Some will even avoid you because it's too difficult a subject for them to understand and handle.

But it's usually not intentional nor does it mean they don't feel some of your pain. And it doesn't mean you have to make them feel better about their discomfort or rudeness. It's totally up to you on how you want to handle others. Maybe it's easier for you to stay quiet and just let them express themselves. Some women feel compelled to speak their minds openly about the loss - telling the cashier that you lost your child when they ask if you have had the baby yet. It may make them feel uncomfortable but you feel the need to speak openly. Do what is best for you - YOU suffered the loss not them. Take care of yourself first and express your feelings the way best for you.

What do I do with the gifts and baby items we have bought and received?
This is a difficult decision. You may want to hold onto their baby items as a reminder of the hope and dreams you had for your child. Many people will do this until they feel comfortable about moving on in their grief process.

Some women and their husbands/partners feel better about removing the items right away, as they are painful reminders of their loss. If it's difficult for you to handle, ask a friend or family member to pack them up and distribute them for you. Some stores even offer a free customer service to handle this situation. You may also want to consider taking your name off baby mailing lists.

Do I still get maternity leave?
Contact your Human Resources department or your health insurance company. Most companies allow at least a two-week "leave" to recover from labor and delivery, some even more.

When is it safe to have sex again?
Returning to your sexual relationship is highly individual and may be different for each of you. You are physically feeling uncomfortable and may be in pain right after the delivery - your body needs some time to heal. But closeness and intimacy with your husband/partner may help the two of you heal. Some people may seek intimacy as an assurance that not everything has changed; some may feel it's an affront at such a vulnerable time. It's important to understand there are no simple solutions or timetables. Be open to discussion. And be patient.

Can I or should I get pregnant again?
There is emotional readiness and physical readiness. Physically, it is suggested to wait for 1-3 complete menstrual cycles before trying to get pregnant again. Your body needs time to heal from this pregnancy and delivery before doing it again. And you may want to consult a genetic counselor depending on the cause of the stillbirth to see what implications there may be in getting pregnant again. Remember to use your chosen form of birth control until you are really ready. And it's always best to consult your doctor on both birth control and attempting pregnancy again.

Emotional readiness is another issue. How do you feel emotionally? Have you explored the 5 stages of grief? Many times it can take a year or longer to move through the stages of grief and reach some sort of acceptance. Are you feeling you want to get pregnant again to replace the child you lost or to save the marriage? Seek counseling.

© Evie’s Network, 2007. Evie’s Network (E’SN) is a 501c3 corporation. All information contained in E’SN web site is intended for informational purposes only, we do not endorse any specific treatment or strategies.